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If you’ve been reading my blog over the past few weeks, maybe you’ve noticed that I’ve been complaining on and off of fatigue. If you’ve been following me on Twitter, maybe you’ve also noticed that I seem a little down or a little “off.”
I’m sharing this post today because I want other women out there—especially other pregnant women out there—to understand that what you see on a blog or what you believe about someone else’s life based on how they portray themselves online is not necessarily the full story. I want women to know it’s okay to be vulnerable, and it’s especially okay to admit you have flaws or concerns or real life problems.
I’ve been blessed (truly blessed) with an incredibly drama-free pregnancy. For the most part, except for the cumbersome size of my stomach, I basically flew through the first few months with the most noticeable side effects only being a sudden aversion to coffee and a need to nap once (or twice) a day. I guess it was a shock to my body and my mind when, somewhere around the 24th or 25th week, things started to go a little haywire.
I don’t have the energy I used to have. It feels like climbing K2 just to go up a flight of stairs. I had an incredibly unnerving doctor’s appointment that threw me way off. (Luckily, I think that’s been resolved but I was more shaken from it than I think I even realized at the time.) You can also now count me among the pregnant insomniacs out there—the ones who watch the clock tick forward slowly through the night laying in a nest of pillows wondering when the urge to sleep will finally hit. Amidst all the pregnancy-related changes happening to me, there’s some additional drama and major changes happening in my life on the personal front. (Not with Brandon—want to clarify that.)
I’ve always been a perfectionist and I’ve also tended to be more rational than emotional (as I’ve written here before), so it’s strange to be in a situation where I’m becoming more emotional…and having things to be emotional about that didn’t exist before I was pregnant! I don’t like the feeling of having the weeks tick by. I don’t want to fast-forward to January. I really want to enjoy every moment of this and I think it’s important that I do that. On the other hand, this heightened emotional state makes me nervous. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety in the past and because I know that (and because Brandon knows that), we are both hyper-aware to every mood swing, every crying bout. I want to make sure I’m taking care of myself and the baby and I’m being vigilant about maintaining an even keel about everything going on in my life right now.
Last night, I was laying in bed trying to get comfortable and was struggling with finding a way to put my feelings into words. I have feelings of loneliness often, but I’m not technically “lonely.” I have feelings of inadequacy often, but do I think I’m inadequate? No. In the process of allowing myself to be vulnerable, I also have to learn how to forgive myself for being less than perfectly perfect all of the time. What would I be if I didn’t admit I had moments where I doubted myself?
I was leisurely browsing through the Amazon store on my Kindle and came across a book that was only 99 cents and looked interesting. I bought it, thinking it might be good for a rainy day. It turns out that it’s a book* of daily reminders about lots of things, but mostly about living in the moment.
The first entry was entitled: “Enjoy the Simple Pleasures”
When we are just present to what we are experiencing, we notice all sorts of sensory details that are usually overlooked. The surprising thing is the amount of joy that can be felt in experiencing the simplest of things fully: the warmth of the sun, the softness of fabric against the body, the brilliancy of the blue sky, the squishiness of the earth below our feet, the scent of a pine tree, the buzz of something in the distance. The ego isn’t satisfied with these experiences because it isn’t satisfied with anything. We aren’t satisfied with such things either when we are identified with the ego because identification with the mind keeps us from fully experiencing them. But what is life but the experience of these simple things?
It sounds counter-intuitive, but I think the solution to my feeling overwhelmed is to just let myself feel what I’m feeling without judgment. Me being overwhelmed has not so much to do with what’s happening in my life, but instead with trying to control my feelings about those things. Being pregnant is a huge, life-altering thing! I should feel some anxiety! Dealing with major changes on a personal front is a huge, life-altering thing! I should feel some anxiety!
On the other hand, all the good that I feel has so much more importance in my life right now. Isobel kicking me right now, getting a pedicure because I can’t reach my toes and enjoying someone else taking care of me for a few minutes, reading books (lots of books), drinking decaf coffee full of pumpkin-flavored creamer, eating a few nibbles of Canadian candy that my aunt brought me, Ella and Milo snuggled in beside me while I rest, Brandon waking up at 4 am when I’m tossing and turning and rubbing my back because he knows that in about two seconds I’m about to lose my cool.
Yes, there’s anxiety and uncertainty…but there’s also so much happiness! If living in the moment means embracing it all (the good, the bad, the in-between), then by all means, that’s what I intend to do.
*What About Now? Reminders for Being in the Moment by Gina Lake
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