"People use [unproductive regret] to avoid scary or difficult action; instead of telling the story of the past in a useful way, they use it as their excuse for staying wretched. If you’re prone to unproductive regret, please hear this: Everyone agrees with you. That thing you regret? It really, really, really shouldn’t have happened. But. It. Did. If you enjoy being miserable, by all means, continue to rail against this fact."
—
Who’s Sorry Now? Six steps to regret-proof your life by Martha Beck in Oprah Magazine
I have moments where I think back and think “what if,” but in general I am most definitely not a linger-in-the-past person. Because I am logical to a fault, it’s easy for me to rationally accept the above statement. I know, though, that for a lot of people it is much more difficult to let go, move on and stop over-thinking the past.
I think the key here is asking yourself what you hope to gain by fostering regret, because as Beck points out, this only leads to misery.
Another point that is worth mentioning is thinking through decisions wholeheartedly and realistically so that the possibility of regret is much lower. If you rationalize a decision, it’s hard to regret it later because you did what you thought was best at the time.
I got married young and this is an anomaly in our culture at the time. Most people raise an eyebrow when I tell them my age, and they are certainly entitled to their opinion as I am entitled to mine. However, I didn’t take this decision lightly or do it out of convenience. I’m not married because it was trendy, or because my friends were doing it. I genuinely and wholeheartedly love my spouse. What would have been the point of prolonging marriage? It was the eventual destination for us and better to spend as many years as possible together given how uncertain life tends to be.
There are a lot of things in my life I can look back and say “what if” about, but I don’t dwell on them. Every good and bad decision has led me to where I am and I’m rather content now and wouldn’t change a thing.
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