What I’ve Read: 50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James ...

What I’ve Read: 50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James

I’m not quite sure where to start here. First, let me just confirm what you already know. Spoiler alert! The writing sucks. It sucks so hard that you almost can’t believe it. I could feel my brain cells dying. And that’s not the only reason the cells were dropping off like flies. It’s also boring.

Second, let me just clue all of you in on a little secret. If you want to read about sex, people having sex, people enjoying sex, people having smutty sex, people having BDSM sex, THIS IS NOT YOUR ONLY OPTION. (Here’s the link to Literotica. You’re welcome.)

I was discussing this book with a few friends last week and they said, “Yeah, it’s terrible, but the sex scenes were so good!” So, what you’re saying is that I should sit through hundreds of pages of an abusive relationship, shitty characters that I hated from page one and the most godawful writing I’ve read in years because it has SEX IN IT?

I’m sorry, but no. No. No. No. Good erotica exists. This is not it. This will NEVER be it. If you want sex scenes, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for a love story, this is not it. If you’re wanting an entertaining beach read, Andy Cohen wrote a good one.

You know what really pisses me off about this book? It’s insulting, on top of which, it worked. Millions of women reading this thinking that BDSM sounds so glamorous, and oh, Ana has such an enviable life with her handsome abusive sex master, why can’t I have that life?

Because that life would SUCK. Newsflash! You can have BDSM sex and be in a loving, caring relationship. Yep, that’s a real thing. You don’t need some pseudo-English accent speaking multimillionaire with mommy issues swooping down to control your life.

Basically, I’m just sick to death of reading books that play off the lowest common denominator in their blatant push to appeal to a female audience. Romance, sex, handsome guys? Sure, I’ll take it all. But don’t insult me in the process. Don’t assume I have to imagine myself being utterly controlled to enjoy those things. I’ll be the first to admit I read Twilight and found the series entertaining. I watch the movies too. Do I think that they contain some pretty shitty messages in general, but especially for women—young, impressionable women in particular? Yep. I definitely do. But, if you’ll recall, in Twilight, Bella—while mostly a naive dolt—also makes a few decisions of her own. Maybe stupid ones sometimes, but at least she makes them of her own accord while everyone around her tries to convince her otherwise. Guess what Ana does? She’ll limply protest Christian for a few mind-numbing paragraphs before she inevitably gives in, whether it’s because he’s ploying her with sex or money or emotional mind-games or whatever other currency she seems to value more than her own brain at that particular moment.

I know some people say, “Well, I don’t take it seriously, but it’s an entertaining book.” Bullshit. Insulting your intelligence with this book is not entertaining. Enjoying the blow-by-blow breakdown of getting sucked into an abusive relationship is not entertaining. But what about the sex, you say? Sex is entertaining, sure, so go have it yourself. Or read some quality erotica. OR! Go see Magic Mike.