One day, life is a certain way.

The next—it’s entirely different.

New, scary, beautiful, exciting, fun, exhausting, overwhelming, exhilarating…

and exquisite too.

Everything is different now, but also very much the same. That’s what I hope my blogging will reflect now too. I can’t say thank you enough for your support and well wishes over the past few days.

Baby, you magic! :)

38 weeks. My first reaction seeing that number is holy crap, wowy wow. It seems like such a long time since we found out, and yet…it seems like it was just yesterday too.

I’m exhausted and uncomfortable, but the good news is that I should have a baby in my arms instead of my stomach sooner rather than later. The bags are packed, the house is clean and I am ready, ready, ready. To all of you who sent me such kind emails and messages about Isobel being breech, I’m happy to report that the good vibes paid off and she’s now head down.

In other news, if you’re wondering what one wears when one is 38 weeks pregnant, it’s H&M camisoles and yoga pants. And cozy sweaters. (And slippers!)

Sometimes the years seem to blur one into the next, but I don’t think I’m going to have to worry about that happening with 2011. The year started with a tragic loss and is ending instead with new life and love. In the past 12 months, there have been equal amounts of hardship and joy, but we are ending on joy and choosing to look ahead to amazing new memories. Have you ever dreaded the turn of the year? Been apprehensive about what lies ahead? I used to feel like that, but this year, I am excited and renewed by the thought of what the new year can and will bring—impending apocalypse and all. :)

When I think back on 2011, here’s what’s come to mind:

A few shots from the last few days! Today I’m planning to eat more leftovers and do laundry. Glamorous!

How was Black Friday? Did you get anything good?

If you’ve been reading my blog over the past few weeks, maybe you’ve noticed that I’ve been complaining on and off of fatigue. If you’ve been following me on Twitter, maybe you’ve also noticed that I seem a little down or a little “off.”

I’m sharing this post today because I want other women out there—especially other pregnant women out there—to understand that what you see on a blog or what you believe about someone else’s life based on how they portray themselves online is not necessarily the full story. I want women to know it’s okay to be vulnerable, and it’s especially okay to admit you have flaws or concerns or real life problems.

I’ve been blessed (truly blessed) with an incredibly drama-free pregnancy. For the most part, except for the cumbersome size of my stomach, I basically flew through the first few months with the most noticeable side effects only being a sudden aversion to coffee and a need to nap once (or twice) a day. I guess it was a shock to my body and my mind when, somewhere around the 24th or 25th week, things started to go a little haywire.

I don’t have the energy I used to have. It feels like climbing K2 just to go up a flight of stairs. I had an incredibly unnerving doctor’s appointment that threw me way off. (Luckily, I think that’s been resolved but I was more shaken from it than I think I even realized at the time.) You can also now count me among the pregnant insomniacs out there—the ones who watch the clock tick forward slowly through the night laying in a nest of pillows wondering when the urge to sleep will finally hit. Amidst all the pregnancy-related changes happening to me, there’s some additional drama and major changes happening in my life on the personal front. (Not with Brandon—want to clarify that.)

I’ve always been a perfectionist and I’ve also tended to be more rational than emotional (as I’ve written here before), so it’s strange to be in a situation where I’m becoming more emotional…and having things to be emotional about that didn’t exist before I was pregnant! I don’t like the feeling of having the weeks tick by. I don’t want to fast-forward to January. I really want to enjoy every moment of this and I think it’s important that I do that. On the other hand, this heightened emotional state makes me nervous. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety in the past and because I know that (and because Brandon knows that), we are both hyper-aware to every mood swing, every crying bout. I want to make sure I’m taking care of myself and the baby and I’m being vigilant about maintaining an even keel about everything going on in my life right now.

Last night, I was laying in bed trying to get comfortable and was struggling with finding a way to put my feelings into words. I have feelings of loneliness often, but I’m not technically “lonely.” I have feelings of inadequacy often, but do I think I’m inadequate? No. In the process of allowing myself to be vulnerable, I also have to learn how to forgive myself for being less than perfectly perfect all of the time. What would I be if I didn’t admit I had moments where I doubted myself?

I was leisurely browsing through the Amazon store on my Kindle and came across a book that was only 99 cents and looked interesting. I bought it, thinking it might be good for a rainy day. It turns out that it’s a book* of daily reminders about lots of things, but mostly about living in the moment.

The first entry was entitled: “Enjoy the Simple Pleasures”

When we are just present to what we are experiencing, we notice all sorts of sensory details that are usually overlooked. The surprising thing is the amount of joy that can be felt in experiencing the simplest of things fully: the warmth of the sun, the softness of fabric against the body, the brilliancy of the blue sky, the squishiness of the earth below our feet, the scent of a pine tree, the buzz of something in the distance. The ego isn’t satisfied with these experiences because it isn’t satisfied with anything. We aren’t satisfied with such things either when we are identified with the ego because identification with the mind keeps us from fully experiencing them. But what is life but the experience of these simple things?

It sounds counter-intuitive, but I think the solution to my feeling overwhelmed is to just let myself feel what I’m feeling without judgment. Me being overwhelmed has not so much to do with what’s happening in my life, but instead with trying to control my feelings about those things. Being pregnant is a huge, life-altering thing! I should feel some anxiety! Dealing with major changes on a personal front is a huge, life-altering thing! I should feel some anxiety!

On the other hand, all the good that I feel has so much more importance in my life right now. Isobel kicking me right now, getting a pedicure because I can’t reach my toes and enjoying someone else taking care of me for a few minutes, reading books (lots of books), drinking decaf coffee full of pumpkin-flavored creamer, eating a few nibbles of Canadian candy that my aunt brought me, Ella and Milo snuggled in beside me while I rest, Brandon waking up at 4 am when I’m tossing and turning and rubbing my back because he knows that in about two seconds I’m about to lose my cool.

Yes, there’s anxiety and uncertainty…but there’s also so much happiness! If living in the moment means embracing it all (the good, the bad, the in-between), then by all means, that’s what I intend to do.

*What About Now? Reminders for Being in the Moment by Gina Lake

Once you’re married, it may be stupid to keep tabs on the day you first started dating, but we do it anyway. Today marks six years together and the best part about it? We have an ultrasound to go to later today so the whole family can spend some quality time together.

I’ll toast with some juice, but here’s to the best six years of my life…so far!

xo,

Jackie

I know I’m not supposed to be buying any clothes right now, but it was (1) on sale for $7 and (2) the only one left. (Try your nearest Baby Gap if you go on the hunt for it…it’s sold out online.)

I told Brandon she just needs some boots and a cardigan and we’re good to go. He was like, “You’re going to dress our baby like a 25-year-old woman, aren’t you?”

BABY NAME!

We’re sick of calling the baby “the baby.” We’ve loved this first name for a long time, but the middle name was a little harder to come up with. We’re still not absolutely-positively-100% set on Harper…but between you and me, I think it’s going to stick. :)

Yay, Isobel! 17 more weeks. (Holy crap. 17 more weeks.)

Do you like the name?

Crazy Saturday! Hurricane is approaching (we have high winds, lots of rain here in MD), but we’re okay right now.

I just realized that the baby has already lived through an earthquake and a hurricane. Both are supposed to be once-in-a-lifetime things for this area, so maybe we got everything out the way early on.

I’ve been taking it easy today, napping and reading a book. I’m 20 weeks along now, and starting to get more achy, painy. Shoes are getting more uncomfortable and my jeggings are getting a little ridiculous. You don’t know muffin top until you’ve got it in reverse—baby top.

I hope everyone stays safe through tonight and tomorrow. Thoughts and prayers with you and your family if you’re set to be affected (or already have been) by the hurricane.

xo,

Jackie

I’m not going to lie: When I found I was going to be a mother (a mother!), I was scared. What business did I have shaping a child’s life when sometimes I feel that I barely have things figured out? It felt like a responsibility that I could never be ready for…except here it was! I was nervous and afraid to admit I was nervous because what would that make me? Unprepared? I didn’t want to be labeled or pigeon-holed so I mostly kept my thoughts to myself.

As the weeks and months have ticked by, I’ve slowly felt my anxiety turning into an excited-anxiety. Like, hurry up, January! Let’s get this thing started! On the other hand, I’ve actually enjoyed being pregnant. Aside from being tired and some fairly bad aches in my back, I feel happy and healthy. I’m really trying to enjoy each day for what it is.

I sort of knew all along we were going to have a girl. I wasn’t hoping one way or another—I really just wanted to find out the baby was healthy and all was well. But, still…I just knew. (Apparently lots of other people did as well!) :)

On Tuesday, the elementary school across from our house was back in session for fall and I saw lots of moms walking their really nervous looking kindergarteners and first graders over to the building. I thought to myself, “Whoa! That will be so exciting when it’s me and Brandon.” Everything seemed sort of abstract until this past Monday, when we got to see her face (!) and then Brandon got to feel her kick that night. Then, the next day, all these kids walking off to start school with anxious parents waving goodbye from the sidewalk.

It’s hard to imagine all the many ways my life will change, but I know that it will and I’m looking forward to it. I know it won’t be great all the time, but it is a great thing all the time. For all my blessings, for all the love I have been fortunate enough to receive—this may be the best thing yet.