I can’t believe it’s been six weeks since this little monster was born. Everyone says to me, “Enjoy every second, it goes so fast!” That was hard to believe in the initial weeks of exhaustion and sleeplessness (nothing moves slower than a sleepless night), but I see now that all these people WEREN’T LYING AFTER ALL. It does go fast.

When I was pregnant, I was a little worried that I wasn’t bonding to the baby properly. (Because, when I was pregnant, I couldn’t place Isobel the person + the baby in the same thought process. It was THE BABY.) I was excited and nervous and all of those “normal” things, but I didn’t lovingly stroke my stomach or whisper to it in quiet moments. (I did begin talking to my stomach in the final few weeks, but those whispers were…not so nice. “GET OUT NOW AND I’LL GIVE YOU THE WORLD,” etc.) Most embarrassing was around the end of the second trimester, when I’d forget I was pregnant. I’d wake up in the morning and go to hop out of bed and then, whoa! I’m stuck! That made me wonder what was wrong in my head that I actually forgot my body was growing a human in the space of a few sleepy hours. (The expression “growing a human” is so weird.)

These concerns naturally led to larger concerns: would I not bond to Isobel after the birth? Would I be a horrible mom? Would Brandon think I was a horrible mom? Would Isobel hate me? Would I hate her? Would I have PPD? Because, you know what they say—people who have suffered depression in the past and all that.

Then she was born, and the last thing on my mind was whether she hated me or not. Though…I did make a few jokes about her just loving me for the milk (I feel so used, so used!). I think that was only funny to me.

But, I’m kind of learning in this whole thing that there’s a lot that’s only fill-in-the-blank to me. Her scrunching up her nose is a face only meant for me. Her rooting around when other people are holding her is a victory in that she’s sort of (kind of) looking for me! It’s meant for me! When she smiles at me when I’m changing her diaper, THAT IS FOR ME. Unfortunately, when she decides to start peeing with her dirty diaper already removed? That is also for me and for me alone.

I was so worried about my ability to bond with her, but what I should have been worried about was the fact that I will never let her go anywhere or do anything. Dates? Nope. Overnight trips? HA. Injury-prone athletic events? IN YOUR DREAMS.

BONDED 4 LYFE.

Love you little monster!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

xo,

Jackie (and Isobel and Brandon)

• Nobody tells you that hospital births can be rewarding and wonderful.
• Nobody tells you that your baby will only sleep when you have visitors.
• Nobody tells you that your first week at home, you might be so exhausted that you end up crying in bed at 3 am.
• Nobody tells you that getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight and your pre-pregnancy body are two very different things. 
• Nobody tells you that breast-feeding absolutely does not come naturally. Everything about it is a learning curve. (But it’s worth it…so worth it!) 
• Nobody tells you how hard it is to change your baby’s clothing the first few times. Will she break?! I THINK SHE MIGHT.
• Nobody tells you how you’ll never sleep soundly again as half your brain actively listens for every little noise and gurgle. 

But then there’s this stuff too:

• Nobody tells you how fun this is.
• Nobody tells you how cozy it is to snuggle on the couch, and how warm a little 9-pound being feels sleeping on your chest.
• Nobody tells you how it feels to creep into a room and see her sleeping with her arms spread like a football goal post.
• Nobody tells you how utterly changed your old routines will be, but know that you will barely remember them (or care about them) anyway.
• Nobody tells you how great it is to see a smile on her face. Even if it’s just gas bubbles or a daydream for now—I’ll pretend it was meant for me. 

What did nobody tell you?

People throw around the term “best friend” a lot, especially when you’re young…in middle school, junior high, high school. Somehow when you become an adult, you stop using best friend very often or only use it to describe someone you used to know. “Oh, she was my best friend in ninth grade.”

But, then you have the real deal, a reason to use the term “best friend,” no matter how old you are. I use “best friend” for a friendship that I know will only come along once in my lifetime. Lisa and I met when we were 9 years old and we’re still as close now as the day we met 16 years ago. Actually, that’s not true…we’re closer in a lot of ways. (Holy crap, 16 years!)

We had always talked when we were young about how when we were “old and married” that we’d have to have houses right next to each other because we couldn’t bear the thought of ever being apart. As fate would have it, she now lives in Dubai—about as far away a location as I could have ever imagined, then or now.

But, for a few too brief hours yesterday, we got to talk and laugh and it felt like no time had passed since we had done the same thing last year. Sometimes, when I get lonely or sad, or wish that I could just pick up the phone and say, “Hey, let’s meet for lunch,” I cheer up remembering that I should be grateful just to be half of such an amazing friendship—one that I know is extremely rare.

There’s a lot of things that I hope Isobel will be able to experience in her life, but something closest to the top of the list is for her to have a friendship that will endure over decades too.

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” - Elisabeth Foley

One day, life is a certain way.

The next—it’s entirely different.

New, scary, beautiful, exciting, fun, exhausting, overwhelming, exhilarating…

and exquisite too.

Everything is different now, but also very much the same. That’s what I hope my blogging will reflect now too. I can’t say thank you enough for your support and well wishes over the past few days.

Baby, you magic! :)

38 weeks. My first reaction seeing that number is holy crap, wowy wow. It seems like such a long time since we found out, and yet…it seems like it was just yesterday too.

I’m exhausted and uncomfortable, but the good news is that I should have a baby in my arms instead of my stomach sooner rather than later. The bags are packed, the house is clean and I am ready, ready, ready. To all of you who sent me such kind emails and messages about Isobel being breech, I’m happy to report that the good vibes paid off and she’s now head down.

In other news, if you’re wondering what one wears when one is 38 weeks pregnant, it’s H&M camisoles and yoga pants. And cozy sweaters. (And slippers!)

Sometimes the years seem to blur one into the next, but I don’t think I’m going to have to worry about that happening with 2011. The year started with a tragic loss and is ending instead with new life and love. In the past 12 months, there have been equal amounts of hardship and joy, but we are ending on joy and choosing to look ahead to amazing new memories. Have you ever dreaded the turn of the year? Been apprehensive about what lies ahead? I used to feel like that, but this year, I am excited and renewed by the thought of what the new year can and will bring—impending apocalypse and all. :)

When I think back on 2011, here’s what’s come to mind:

A few shots from the last few days! Today I’m planning to eat more leftovers and do laundry. Glamorous!

How was Black Friday? Did you get anything good?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so much to be thankful for this year, but instead of listing it out, I’ll just say that 2011 has been quite an adventure so far and I can’t wait to see how the next month or so will play out. I am lucky to have so much love and support from my friends (online and off!) and from my family.

Last year’s Thanksgiving I was sure I could not have any more blessings in my life than I already did, but I guess that goes to show you that life throws you surprises at times when you least expect it—but might need it the most.

I hope you have a wonderful day! Eat lots, nap lots!

xo,

Jackie

I realize it’s a little ridiculous for me to be posting about holiday shopping anxiety when I’ve been blatantly shoving gift guides at you for the past week, but there’s something I’ve got to get off my chest.

For the past few years, I’ve noticed that I tend to get fairly anxious or stressed around the holidays—something that I don’t think is too uncommon. Whether it’s splitting up our time with our families or trying to round up Christmas presents, I always feel some degree of stress and anxiety coupled with consumer pressure to buy, buy, BUY. Honestly, there is nothing that disgusts me more than the IDEA of Black Friday—let alone the execution of the event. It’s abhorrent. It’s ridiculous. It’s people lining up to buying TVs at 10 pm on Thanksgiving Day. Yet, despite the fact that I hate the entire idea of the whole thing, there is certainly some part of me that is susceptible to this massive shopping competition that holiday shopping has turned into. It’s not just Black Friday. There are a million sales to keep track of, stores to check off a list, “flash sales” that are happening. It’s a total cluster and I hate the fact that I even feel the little bit of compulsion I do to get out in the thick of it to try and score 45% off a sweater I didn’t even need.

On the other hand, with every passing holiday, the reason that I celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas becomes more and more apparent—and totally separate from the commercialism that is threatening to engulf more and more of the last two to three months of our calendar years. This is not to say that I don’t buy presents for friends and family—I do. But, I’m trying to stick to a little plan that I’ve tentatively entitled Jackie’s Holiday Sanity Plan.

• S - Spend time with loved ones and friends and value that above all else.
• A - Avoid anxiety about which family gets more or less of our time around the holidays. We can never please everyone perfectly, so we need to make plans that make sense for us and let everything else fall into place accordingly.
• N - Never, ever “seriously” shop on Black Friday or engage in a holiday shopping competition. After a leisurely breakfast, if we want to go wander through the remnants of Target’s bargain bins, so be it. But shopping before 5 am, 6 am—hell, 10 am—is just asking for panic attacks and misery.
• I - Indulge myself in ways that don’t revolve around shopping. I like watching marathons of our favorite holiday movies with favorite snacks or driving around the neighborhood and looking at Christmas decorations.
• T - Try to remember that gift giving should be about doing something thoughtful, not what is expected or what is popular.
• Y - You are the only one that determines whether or not you have a fulfilling holiday season. You can choose to give in to the stress and competitiveness, or choose to ignore it as best you can. This is incredibly hard for me to do. I want everything to be perfect…and I don’t even have a child yet! Imagine me next year. But, I’m going to try…and trying is half the battle, right?

So, as we enter one of the most crazy, over-hyped and over-wrought weeks of the year, join me in my attempt to keep a level head and a (mostly) closed wallet until we’ve had a successful close to Thanksgiving. There’s plenty of goods to go around and plenty of shopping time left. This week is all about the two “Fs” for me: family and food. Friday doesn’t even factor in.

How are you coping with holiday anxiety so far?