Why I ignored every piece of dating advice I’d ever read.

A lot of women will tell you that they won’t pursue a guy—that they prefer to be pursued instead. (Or, they won’t admit it but absolutely think it.) But there’s a caveat: it’s pursuit up to a point.

When my single-and-looking-to-mingle friends or acquaintances talk (with an amused “poor guy, it’ll never happen” look on their faces) about the guy who is pursuing them too hard, I tend to stop them right there and talk a little bit about why jumping to conclusions about the poor guy may not be the most prudent approach. Maybe the conclusions will be right, but what happens if you turn out to be dead wrong about someone?

These friends or acquaintances say, “Pfft,” to me and insist I can’t know what I’m talking about since I wasn’t a serial dater and I’m now married. But, I’m not giving dating advice here or to them or to anyone. I just point out that judging someone by what you’ve heard about them or one chance encounter may not be the best evidence on which to sever ties. I may not have been a serial dater, but that wasn’t for lack of trying on my part or trying on the part of others. I was just aloof and didn’t have time for nonsense, so there you go. Not much dating. Until Brandon.

Brandon and I did not meet in a traditional way, i.e. one of us introduced ourselves and we had a conversation over coffee or a meal, then 3-4 dates, with flirting over email/IM, then a long, protracted must-impress-him courting period…no. Didn’t happen.

Here’s how it went: Brandon stalked me around for quite some time until he worked up the nerve to introduce himself. I found out from friends that some “guy” had a significantly debilitating crush on me (I may be paraphrasing) and was following me around. A lot. Of course, I being oblivious and not into games and such said, “He’s cute, but I doubt it.” I shouldn’t have. Short of hiding behind trash cans and watching me walk to my car (which actually may have happened), Brandon saw me and went full steam ahead until we finally met face-to-face. He was pushy. He was persistent. He was stalkery. These are all things that most girls see and run. Even I had run, before, when different guys pulled the same tactics. But I thought he was handsome (still do, natch) and so, why not?

Turns out, that wasn’t the only dating “faux pas” we/I made. I kissed him first instead of the other way around (heavens to betsy!). We decided to be an exclusive couple within 72 hours of first meeting and we can’t really remember what day that was, so we randomly chose a day to be our anniversary because all the days had blurred together. We never had a first date. In fact, we didn’t go out on a proper date until after we’d been together for about 2 weeks.

That’s why I kind of chuckle (giggle? chortle?) when friends say they are worried about coming on too strong or complaining that some guy won’t leave them alone. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Heck, I met the best guy in the world because he followed me around and had spies out to get information on me. Wait for him to make the first move? Whatever. I can’t be bothered with those arbitrary guidelines. Kiss away. And, just so happens I got a pretty lucky ending out of that kiss.

Rules of Brandon:

• When he speaks in a British accent, he’s hyper and in a good mood.
• When he speaks in an Oliver Twist-type, Cheapside British accent, he’s in a REALLY good mood.

Last fall he spoke in Accent #2 (Cheapside) for about two weeks straight without letting up. He may have been in a good mood, but there’s only so much “‘ELLO GUV’NOR” a girl can take.

I just spoke with him on the phone and got Accent #2. Ohhh man. It’s going to be an interesting evening.

Someone got smacked!

Brandon likes to “fight” with my mom on Facebook. It’s amusing until I get thrown into the middle of it.

Here’s what he wrote to her over the weekend (I fixed it up a bit since he wrote it on his iPhone and there were a few typos):

Family should have taught daughters how to put toilet paper on mechanism, not warn the husband that daughter is physically incapable of doing so. Just a thought… And maybe how to sew a button. Just a thought… 

He was joking with me in the car prior to sending the Facebook note that because I didn’t take Home Ec in high school (I took a computer class instead) that I missed out on important education, such as how to put a fresh roll of toilet paper back on the holder and sew buttons. I refuse to do the first and the second? I’ll sew buttons when I see fit to sew buttons and that’s the end of that crazy talk.

In sneaky retaliation, I made him clean his closet last night.

Pick your battles.

(And I’m still not putting the toilet paper on the holder. Consistency is key.)

Things you won’t hear from self-help books.

I haven’t been married for very long. I’m a newbie. I have the power of observation on my side (my parents have been happily married for years), but I’m no expert.

But, it really drives me up a wall when I read things like this:

• You will have a good marriage if you learn how to communicate with each other.
• Don’t go to bed angry. 
• Even if you don’t like what he likes, pretend and indulge.

Let me add a quick disclaimer: I don’t have a perfect marriage or a perfect relationship. We work hard! But, in the five years we’ve known each other, I’ve discovered that:

• Sometimes communication is bad. The more you yell, the more the other person yells. The more you try and talk about something, the bigger a hole you keep digging. Sometimes the best communication is the nonverbal kind.
• Have you ever tried to go to bed angry? It doesn’t work! You can’t sleep if you’re angry—not, at least, without a drug or other kind of sleep aid. Going to bed sad, yeah, that might work. (Remember crying yourself to sleep?) But angry? Maybe people who’ve never really been angry made up this little line. When I get angry, I legit Hulk-out. There is no sleep for anyone in a 200 yard radius when I’m angry, including the dogs.
• There are certain things I like to do that Brandon does not and vise versa. For instance, he will watch Real Housewives with me, but he voices his intense dislike for the show at every commercial break. (“This is stressing me out, hun!!”) I, on the other hand, find most video games only remotely interesting or fun (if there’s multiplayer, sometimes I’ll join in, but usually I’d rather read a book). Do we fake it? No! Yes, support what your spouse/signif. other likes to do, but for goodness sake, don’t fake it. I would think it would be hurtful or embarrassing several years down the road when he/she catches you talking to your friend and telling them how “bored” you get at your husbands soccer/football/golf games that you’ve been attending for years. Ouch. 

I’m sick of reading about marriage and relationship “rules.” It’s good to have guidelines sometimes, but part of the fun of being in a relationship is making up your own rules, your own way of interacting. There’s no right, there’s no wrong, there’s what works and what doesn’t work. It might not be what your friends do, it might not even be what your parents do, but if your ultimate rule is to be happy, then everything else should fall into line.

I’ve always been a subversively rebellious type (I didn’t light the fires, I planned them, for example), and for some reason lately, I’m really acting out against rules! Who says I have to do the safe thing? Who says we have to do this or that? Who decides that what I’m wearing isn’t stylish?

For Brandon and I, making our own rules has been a lot more fun and rewarding than reading any self-help book.

(Plus, bending your own rules together is much more exciting than bending Dr. Phil’s rules.)

Here’s to breaking out of the box, not listening to the professionals and doing things our own way, whether it be who we are with, what we wear, what we eat and what we do for a living.

Cheers!

My primer to getting married young.

maryrambin:

You know, I don’t have a problem being 27 and unmarried.  But dating these days sucks.  Period.

Most of the girls I know from high school and college no longer have this problem.  In fact, they haven’t had to deal with this for a while because they got married soon after college.

In this episode of TMI I sit down with a couple of my girlfriends from high school to talk about what it’s like to get married so young.  People always say it will never last, but I don’t think that’s true.  Listen to Whitney and Alyssa, they are honest and open about how they work through all of it.

I dislike the commonly-held notion that getting married young is a mistake. I was married a day after my 22nd birthday and Brandon was 26. That’s considered very young, as I was told (rudely) by many people. Is it hard? Yes. Does it take a lot of work? Yes. But, then again, so does any marriage at any age.

Here is my unofficial primer for marriage, whether you are 21 or 41.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you a selfish person? Do you find the thought of making sacrifices for someone else uncomfortable? If you can’t answer a definitive no, you shouldn’t get married.
• Can you be honest about your thoughts and feeling on any subject without feeling pressure to compromise to the popular opinion? If you can’t express exactly what you want to someone else without fear of retribution, you shouldn’t get married.
• Are you willing to make friendships a lesser priority than the needs of your spouse? Friends are important, but a spouse is a partner—another half of you. If they’ve had a bad day, you have to prioritize how your evening plays out.
• Could you share a bank account without fearing what your significant other may find in the transactions? If you can’t be honest about finances or about what you spend your money on, you shouldn’t get married.
• Do you have a supportive, loving family who has legitimate concerns about your fiance? You shouldn’t get married to them.
• Consider your motives for marriage. If your spouse is not the first thing that pops into your head—if it’s a dress, your other married friends or a giant ring, then maybe you shouldn’t get married.
• Can people honestly describe you as a mature, grounded individual? If not, then you might not be ready for marriage.
• Have you cheated on a serious girlfriend/boyfriend/fiance/fiancee before? It’s natural to have the occasional fantasy. If you act on it, that’s a whole different maturity issue and/or emotional problem.
• Have you been dating so long that you just give into the idea that marriage is what comes next? Reevaluate your motives. Marriage isn’t and shouldn’t be an assumed light at the end of a long-dating tunnel.
• Are you getting married to get around the issue of no-premarital-sex that your religion or family dictates? You shouldn’t get married.

I’m no expert and context can change everything, but these are some general rules that I’ve found to be fairly accurate in their prediction of marital success. Brandon and I had serious, serious conversations before we got engaged. It was no flippant exercise of “the next step.” It was a deliberate, loving decision—which is exactly what you should think of it as. A decision: not a party, not a dress, not a ring, not a sign of social status, nothing. It’s all about the other person and what you want out of your life together.

Getting married young has nothing to do with the success of a marriage. Marital success depends entirely on the individual.