I’ve been wanting to make a video of Molly for several weeks and finally got up the nerve to do it.

My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet. - Edith Wharton

Yesterday was the worst day of my entire life. Our lives. I have known heartbreak, loss, hurt and pain. These things are not entirely foreign to me and I have not been insulated from them or sheltered away.

But, the pain of forever losing a pet who has been, for me, my best friend, confidante, companion, playmate, bedmate, snugglebug, comforter—well, it was almost too much to bear.

Molly was a once-in-a-lifetime dog. So smart, I could read her thoughts. So loyal, I was sure I did not deserve it. So kind that it took my breath away.

I have never been a sentimental person. I am ruled by logic and by realism in my life. I have never allowed myself to so thoroughly love anything as I loved Molly.

I cared for her and loved her with every emotion I sometimes cannot give other people. She was like my child, and I treated her like one too. She was with me when I could not abide the company of any human being.

In return for a home, she gave us everything. All the loyalty and affection a dog could muster. A lick on the nose. Spooning with me all night. Being my navigator in the car. Sitting beside me during long, lonely hours at home alone.

Yesterday, after Brandon and I returned home from the vet, arms empty, holding a blanket and a collar, I collapsed into his arms, on the verge of a full-on panic attack. Sobs were shaking my body so hard I could not breathe. I managed to say, “She was my best friend.” It’s true.

Earlier in the day, I called the vet from home and told him what has happening. He confirmed my worst fears—confirmed what I had known since the moment I woke up and she didn’t move, just laid in a small, tight ball staring at me with tired eyes.

After I hung up the phone, I fell onto the living room floor in a fetal position, my body rocking back and forth over and over. This isn’t real. This is not my reality. I couldn’t look at her.

In a few minutes, I called Brandon. He promptly vomited and then began what must have been the longest drive home he’s ever had.

Then, I put down the phone, gathered her in my arms and lay down on the couch the way we always did: her as the inner spoon, me the outer. She put her head next to mine. She was shaking and convulsing at first, as she had been all day, but it stopped in a few minutes. Her breathing slowed and she began to sleep. I could feel her eyes blinking on my cheek every now and then.

“Hey you,” I said to her. “Do you remember when…”

I may not be on here for a few days. I think we have to put her down today.

Thanks for all your love and support over the past few months.

xo,

Jackie

Just wanted to share a few snaps of what’s going on over here!

Where’s Milo?

Feeling better.

A couple new pillows!

New bookshelves! (On sale for $26 at Target.) Brandon’s DVDs and video games were starting to take over our house, so we needed more storage.

And a smaller bookshelf for his Blu-rays and HD-DVDs. (Also on sale, for $16.)

Clearly we like our initials all over the place. Too bad they are also slang for…something else.

We’ve been making so much coffee.

Our Christmas gift from my grandparents: my grandmother painted this specially for us.

A huge, red tote for carrying around all the stuff I seem to “need” with me on a regular basis.

My favorite (1960’s) cookbook. I love how it calls for MSG in various recipes. (I leave it out.)

A sneak peek at the salad section. Highlights are mine.

What’s been going on with you?

Happy New Year from Jackie, Brandon, Milo and Molly!

P.S. Is this next year’s Christmas card or what?!

So I don’t have any makeup on and my hair looks like something a rat would sleep in, but I wanted to send you all a special holiday message today.

Thank you all for being so supportive and wonderful over the past week and I appreciate your kindness more than I can say.

xo,

Jackie

The vet is trying her on (another) new diet and (more) medication and is draining off the fluid build-up that has occurred, but does not seem optimistic that it is a long-term solution. We don’t know if it will work and if it will sustain her for some time, or if three weeks from now, we’ll be right back where we started.

We need to watch her and assess her quality of life over the next month or so and at that time, make an assessment about how to proceed.

But all that is just a fancy way of saying that my days with her are numbered. It’ll be maybe months or a year from now, or it may be sooner than that. Maybe the diet/medication can stave off the downward spiral, maybe it won’t. Either way, I’m heartbroken.

Anyway, because there’s really nothing I can do, I went through and made sure I have photos of her organized and put in a safe place. Here’s a few of them.

Molly Update!

My dad snapped this pic this morning of her in her little bed by his desk. She’s going to the vet today at 10:30, so we’ll know more after that. I’m so happy that my parents could coordinate to take her to their local vet, who is a long-time family friend and runs an amazing veterinary hospital. I trust his opinion and his diagnosis and I know that he will be optimistic and realistic about her situation, whatever it is.

[But that’s easier said than done. I had a hard time falling asleep without my little roo spooning. I’m not much of a crier, but when you get my dogs involved? It’s all over.]

Cross all your fingers and toes around 10:30 today.

xo,

Jackie

Molly is heading back to the vet for a check-up since she seems to have taken a downward turn since her last medical emergency. She pulled a loaf of bread off the counter about a month ago and has been on a steady decline since. My gut tells me that she did toxic, irrevocable damage to her already low-functioning liver by overdosing on food outside her strict diet. My sister, who was up visiting for the weekend, offered to take Molly back with her to our local vet to try and figure out what’s happening. I’m going to go pick her up on Thursday.

Honestly, it’s been weighing on me pretty heavily and I’m feeling incredibly unmotivated to blog about shoes when Molly is under such clear physical duress.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know what’s happening in my neck of the woods, and if you don’t mind, throw up a little thought/prayer for her that we’ll find a way to remedy this one way or another.

xo,

Jackie