I rarely post stuff like this, but maybe I should do it more often. Brandon left for a work trip on Monday, so my sister came up to Maryland, picked me up and brought me down to Virginia where I’ve been relaxing and enjoying spending time with my family. (Also enjoying NOT cooking!)

My mom is a treasure trove of magazines (and I wonder where I get it from), so I stole a couple of her back issues of Oprah and was leafing through them this morning.

One article in particular caught my eye: I Don’t Care by Martha Beck (July 2011, pg. 45).

First, was an exercise in the article that I found really eye-opening:

1. Choose a subject. Think of a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger or sadness. 
2. Identify what this person must change to make you happy. Complete the sentence below by filling in the name of your loved one, the thing(s) you want this person to change and the way you’d feel if the change occurred: If _______ would only _______, then I could feel _______. 
3. Accept a radical reality. Scratch out the first clause of the sentence you wrote, so all that remains is: I could feel _______. 

This fall, I am going to work on (as Beck calls it) “shifting my focus from controlling your loved one’s behavior to creating your own happiness.” I’ve noticed, especially among female friends or family members, that we have a tendency to internalize so much of what happens to others or what others are doing. That stress and that anxiety can feel so hopeless—that there’s no cure for a problem that you’re the only one who recognizes.

Here’s the tidbit of the article that ties everything together and gives you a tip to help shift that focus. I LOVE this.

[…] Sanity begins the moment you admit you’re powerless over other people. This is the moment you become mentally free to start trying new ideas, building new relationships, experimenting to see what situations feel better than the hopeless deadlock of depending on change from someone you can’t control. […] Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you.

So, this fall, I’m going to work on loving unconditionally without letting the desire for change interfere. How about you?

I haven’t been married for very long. I’m a newbie. I have the power of observation on my side (my parents have been happily married for years), but I’m no expert.

But, it really drives me up a wall when I read things like this:

• You will have a good marriage if you learn how to communicate with each other.
• Don’t go to bed angry. 
• Even if you don’t like what he likes, pretend and indulge.

Let me add a quick disclaimer: I don’t have a perfect marriage or a perfect relationship. We work hard! But, in the five years we’ve known each other, I’ve discovered that:

• Sometimes communication is bad. The more you yell, the more the other person yells. The more you try and talk about something, the bigger a hole you keep digging. Sometimes the best communication is the nonverbal kind.
• Have you ever tried to go to bed angry? It doesn’t work! You can’t sleep if you’re angry—not, at least, without a drug or other kind of sleep aid. Going to bed sad, yeah, that might work. (Remember crying yourself to sleep?) But angry? Maybe people who’ve never really been angry made up this little line. When I get angry, I legit Hulk-out. There is no sleep for anyone in a 200 yard radius when I’m angry, including the dogs.
• There are certain things I like to do that Brandon does not and vise versa. For instance, he will watch Real Housewives with me, but he voices his intense dislike for the show at every commercial break. (“This is stressing me out, hun!!”) I, on the other hand, find most video games only remotely interesting or fun (if there’s multiplayer, sometimes I’ll join in, but usually I’d rather read a book). Do we fake it? No! Yes, support what your spouse/signif. other likes to do, but for goodness sake, don’t fake it. I would think it would be hurtful or embarrassing several years down the road when he/she catches you talking to your friend and telling them how “bored” you get at your husbands soccer/football/golf games that you’ve been attending for years. Ouch. 

I’m sick of reading about marriage and relationship “rules.” It’s good to have guidelines sometimes, but part of the fun of being in a relationship is making up your own rules, your own way of interacting. There’s no right, there’s no wrong, there’s what works and what doesn’t work. It might not be what your friends do, it might not even be what your parents do, but if your ultimate rule is to be happy, then everything else should fall into line.

I’ve always been a subversively rebellious type (I didn’t light the fires, I planned them, for example), and for some reason lately, I’m really acting out against rules! Who says I have to do the safe thing? Who says we have to do this or that? Who decides that what I’m wearing isn’t stylish?

For Brandon and I, making our own rules has been a lot more fun and rewarding than reading any self-help book.

(Plus, bending your own rules together is much more exciting than bending Dr. Phil’s rules.)

Here’s to breaking out of the box, not listening to the professionals and doing things our own way, whether it be who we are with, what we wear, what we eat and what we do for a living.

Cheers!